It has been a while since I have written about our last miscarriage and baby Sam. Putting our house on the market has been more stressful than I could have even imagined! I have to clean and cook for the day before we leave to go anywhere just in case we get a call to have a showing. It is CRAZY! (Did I mention that Liam is in a very destructive phase in his little toddler life right now?) Every time I clean a room another room is being torn apart. I have reached my boiling point by 9:00 a.m. every morning. So, needless to say, I haven't had time to think about things very much.
A woman at church lost a baby and I have been praying for her and her family. But with that brings up all of my pain that still breaks the surface every now and then. Here is what I have been thinking about.
1. I would know by now whether Sam was a girl or boy.
2. I would be feeling him/her kick and hiccup within my body.
3. I can't remember what it felt like to have a baby kicking within me.
4. I would be 21.5 weeks along, over halfway there.
5. I have no excuse for still wearing my fat clothes.
6. Seeing pregnant women still makes me cry, although I can make it home now.
7. I wonder what it would have been like to have 4 small kids running around all day.
8. How is God going to use this for His glory because it still hurts so much.
9. They all hurt, every single loss of life.
10.I still cry when I talk about it. It is still raw.
No big epiphanies, just thoughts and feelings. Nothing major, but I wanted to share. It is so easy to put these feelings away and pretend that they aren't there because it still hurts so much. But that only compounds that pain when you finally start to deal with them. (I should know, I did it for years with the other miscarriages!) So I am going to have a good cry and then pack up the kids for an afternoon of fun in this gorgeous weather.
I am having an emotional week! My baby girl is going away for 5 whole days and I am finally letting myself feel the things that have been on my heart for weeks now. You all are such great listeners :)
2 months ago
1 comment:
Oh! (((big hugs)))
I don't know what else to write, but to send hugs.
I had a patient a few weeks ago who had 7 children... 7 live births and 5 lost... 3 of which were much later in pregnancy/stillbirths. She wasn't even allowed to see these 3 babies (this woman is in her 80s). And I could see (and feel) the emotion in her eyes and heart. She just brought it up out of the blue... we were talking about her son who had been in to visit and she mentioned all of her children.. all 12. I said, 'They wouldn't even let you see them or hold them?'... she responded, "no, but I'll hold them soon." I just wanted to go and cry! It still brings tears to my eyes. As a nurse, you never want to hear that, b/c you know what is coming... but also it just tugged my heart and made me want to run home and hug my babies. You'll hold your babies one day.. maybe not in this life... but one day.
(((hugs)))
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