Let's Start At 4:45

Ben, our cat, is in danger of living out his existence outside. He walks around the house at night while we sleep and makes noises that really freak us out! It sounds like one of the kids is crying "mom," I am not kidding. It seems like he just walks around talking; going from room to room. We decided to close the doors to the kids rooms so that he would stop waking them up. Last night, however, Liam's door did not close all the way. At 4:45 Ben decided to jump into Liam's crib. Liam screamed so loud that I am sure the neighbor's must have heard him. Will jumped up to go see what had happened and found Ben jumping out of the bed trying to escape. Liam did not recover from the scare. We took shifts trying to get him back to sleep. No luck, once that kid wakes up he is ready to go! I had 2 cups of coffee before I finished breakfast this morning and I think I may need to stop at Starbucks while I am out this afternoon for a double espresso lest I not make it through the day!

My father-in-law was in town this weekend helping us with the renovations again. THANKS SO MUCH, POPPY! He commented that our house was like a sleep deprivation zone. It really is. Our kids just don't like to sleep. They wake up at 6:00 every morning, sometimes earlier, no matter what time they go to sleep. Nap or no nap, it is the same. If they go to bed at 7:00, they wake up at 6:00. If they go to bed at 10:00, they wake up at 6:00. We really have tried everything. Today is just one of those days that I needed to vent, sorry to all you readers out there. Sometimes a mom just has to vent or it makes for a very bad day!

Seriously!

Seriously, Page is way too grown up for her age. Will said to her that he had a surprise and asked her to guess what it was. Her face got very bright, a huge smile spread across her lips. "My own cell phone!" was her reply. What a let down a trip to the Galleria must have been for her. I have no idea what we are going to do when she hits puberty!

Window Washers

We all know that Page likes to help with chores, washing dishes, dusting, organizing her toys :) Well, we have moved to the next level of cleanliness around here. Both girls had a blast washing the windows and sliding glass doors. It was prompted by a rabid crayon finding it's way to our sliding glass door. I have no idea how it got there, although I am pretty sure that Emma helped in some way, shape or form! Anyway, I handed out the newspaper and got the Windex. They went to town, and they did a pretty good job. They cleaned the inside and the outside they were having so much fun. We may have used half a bottle of Windex, but if the kids are going to wash the windows, I am going to give them as much glass cleaner as they want.

Please excuse our mess outside, things have been so difficult lately that we have really neglected our back yard. Since it is 104 without the heat index today, we will not venture the jungle this weekend either :( Oh well, such is life!

More From The Roller Coaster Of Emotions!

When I met with my doctor the day before my surgery was scheduled I told her that we were not going to have any more children. She told me not to make that decision yet and that I should come back in a few months to talk about it. When I called a dear friend to talk she too told me not to make that decision yet. On the other hand, I had people telling me that it was time to stop. Countless people asking me how I could continue. The truth is that I placed my womb in the hands of the Lord almost 6 years ago. I didn't know if I would ever have a child to hold at that point. I had suffered 2 miscarriages and had gotten a bad report from the last miscarriage saying that I had some questionable tissue in my cervix. I was afraid that I had cancer, my brother was undergoing chemo for his first battle with leukemia and I feared that I too would have the same fate. (Everything cleared up within a few months and no cancerous tissue was found, PRAISE GOD!) I put my trust the Lord and never looked back. It was absolute faith. I can say that with certainty because it makes no sense to me. It was all or nothing for me and I gave it all to the only One that I knew who could make it better, or at least comfort me if things never got better.

I got the pathology report back on the baby. There was nothing wrong. They believe it was a blood clot. The doctor thinks that if I were to get pregnant again that I would have to be on solid bed rest, weekly ultrasounds and appointments and double doses of Heparin shots, twice a day with no guarantee that this treatment would work either. Then there is the whole hemorrhaging issue. With the number of pregnancies that I have had and the amount of stress that has been put on my uterus, hemorrhaging is a big issue. We got to the doctor in time before things got out of control, this time. What would happen if there was a next time? The prognosis is not in my favor. Things would likely be worse because of the high dosage of blood thinner they would want me to be on.

Let me preface what I am about to share with the fact that we both wanted a large family. I do not feel like our family is complete. My heart is open to more children. Yet here I am, face to face with the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I am crying my eyes out as I type this because it makes everything seem so final. For the sake of the three beautiful miracles God has blessed us with, we are closing this chapter in our lives. I will never have another child grow within my body. I will never deliver another child. I will never feed another baby at my breast. It is heart breaking to me. I really thought things would end with life and not death. I really thought that we would have more children. I NEVER imagined I would have to make this decision, especially before I turned 30. But here I am. Page asks me every day if we are going to have another baby. She and Emma play "mommy" almost every day. They ask me to be the doctor and to check the baby in their tummies. It is so hard not to cry. It is so hard to tell Page that this is it and then to hold her while she cries because she wants more siblings. It is so hard.

But the fact remains, I have 3 children! Women with my condition who have had so many miscarriages just don't have 3 healthy children. Each one of them is such a miracle that could spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how they got here. But I know, they got here because God did the impossible. He brought life into my womb when everything scientific says that they have no idea how. I have never been more humbled. God chose to give me this miracle, 3 times over. That is another reason why it is so hard for me to say that we are ending things. Because I know that God performs miracles today. I know that He could do whatever He wants with the babies that He has formed within me. But I have to. I have to make this decision for the sake of my living children. For the sake of my marriage. For the sake of my health. For the sake of the three beautiful miracles God has blessed us with, we are closing this chapter in our lives. So as I grieve the loss of our child, I also grieve the loss of any future children, and I am sad.

Then there is the other side of my emotional roller coaster I am riding right now. I am excited. I am so eager to see what God has in store for us. What this next chapter in our lives will look like. There is such anticipation within me to see what He will do, because He is good and His plans for me are good. They never look like what we think they will, but He is faithful. I put my hope in that. I start each day with the knowledge that He is at work within me and that I get to be a part of His divine plan. That is so awesome to me. It is impossible to wrap my mind around the fact that He uses me. That He chose this path for me to go down. I have no idea what it looks like, and that is scary sometimes. But more than anything it is exciting!

Saturday Morning Fun

We took the kids to the splash fountain in front of the Renaissance Hotel in Richardson. They all had a great time, but Page, by far, had a fabulous time! She ran up to me and said "this is way more fun than work or chores!" It made me laugh out loud. She really does love to do chores. Sorting and organizing is fun for her, haha! Yes, we all know she is a small genetic replica of me. Liam was less than impressed with the fountains, but loved all of the open space to just run around. Emma was a little scared, but had fun running around the perimeter of the fountain and feeding Liam his snack. Liam passed out on the way home and has been asleep for an hour. He never goes to sleep this early. It was fun to go out as a family and have a great time together. We haven't done that in a while. Here are some of my favorite pictures from this morning.

Sad Day At The Park

Will and I tried to take the kids to a splash park, but it wasn't open. In fact, they don't open until 1:00! Who wants to take 3 kids out in the heat of the day? Not me!!! So we took the kids to the playground that was next to the splash park. You can tell that Emma was VERY disappointed.

I also wanted to share with all of you the name we have picked for this baby. Since we don't know if it is a boy or girl we have come up with the name Sam. It is short for Samantha or Samuel. We have named all of the babies we have lost. It was a suggestion that I had read in a grieving book I read with our first miscarriage and it really helped me so we just kept doing it. Thank you to everyone who sent me emails and called to see how I was doing and to share your own pain. It is such a blessing to have so many people praying for us, the peace of God has truly been with me. I pray too that the Lord would bless all of you as you have blessed me.

Answers

Well, despite all of the pain and all of the crying God has answered our prayers. I went into full blown labor yesterday afternoon. No kidding, full blown labor. We had a sitter at the house helping with the kids and what a blessing that was! I was in so much pain that I couldn't move from my bed. I had a heating pad on my stomach and another on my back. I had taken 2 pain pills and nothing was helping. I called Will between contractions to tell him to come home NOW. I guess he understood me because he showed up shortly after our phone call. I finally delivered the baby still in the sac with the placenta all at once. (I hope I am not being too graphic for you.) It was such a relief, even with the pain.
But things started to get worse quickly. I couldn't stop bleeding, it was gushing everywhere. I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up all at once. Will told me we were going to the hospital and that is what we did. We got there at 4:00 and saw my doctor. She ordered 2 bags of pitocin and 4 pills that I can't remember the name of. Basically they were supposed to help the uterus contract harder so that the bleeding could slow down. I am not really sure how all of that works, but it took about 5 more hours. I was also very dehydrated and needed fluids. We ended up making it home around 10:00 where I fell asleep almost as soon as I hit the pillow.
I actually feel such peace and closure about the whole situation. I have never felt this way after a miscarriage and I know it is God. He has been so present throughout this entire ordeal. The process of giving birth to our baby actually helped me to have some closure and to move forward with the healing. I wish I had made this decision with the other miscarriages as well. It is so hard to put into words, but it was a gift from God. He knew what I needed for my body and for my spirit to heal from this loss. I am so grateful for all of your prayers during this time.
I am still in a little bit of pain today, but I feel so much better. I even feel well enough for the first time in 9 days to actually clean my house. I am on orders not to, to I will refrain for a few more days :)

Surgery Or No Surgery?

I wanted to update all of you on what has been going on with me because I really need your prayers. I called my doctor Monday morning to schedule a D&C. It was scheduled for Thursday morning. I made arrangements for babysitting and food for Thursday through the weekend. Well, Monday night things started to happen. I went in on Wednesday to talk to the doctor and she said that I had already started to miscarry on my own and that she thought it would be complete in 2-3 days. I felt so relieved that it was happening naturally and that surgery would not be necessary. She gave me a prescription for the pain and told me to come back in one week. The pain, for me, has been like first stage labor. The contractions hurt and are pretty consistent but you are not quite sure if this is it and it is all in my back.
It is now Sunday, 5 days later, and things still have not progressed much more. The pain has been bad enough that I have been on the pain medication since Friday afternoon, but my body is still holding on this baby. I am praying that this is not an incomplete miscarriage and that I will not have to have surgery next week. I am praying that my body would do what it is supposed to do and that this process would be complete and quickly.
Wondering every day if this is the day is really starting to take it's toll on me and the rest of my family. I have been very grumpy and snappy and I do not do well on pain meds. Things are very hard right now and I ask for your prayers for both me and my family. I am not really sure how long I should let things go like this and if I should go ahead and schedule the surgery again. It is a time of so much doubt and questions that no one can answer for me. The doctor said that it is so different for every woman and she could not tell me what to expect.
Will took the kids to church this morning and I am going to spend some time alone. I got a cup of coffee and my heating pad and I am going to curl back up in my bed and try to do some reading. The quiet of the house is so peaceful and I have longed for a time like this since I found our baby was no longer with us. Thank you for your prayers, I will continue to keep you all updated on what happens next week.

National Sugar Cookie Day

I got an email from Pillsbury this morning informing me that today was National Sugar Cookie Day! I need very little reason to make cookies, and today it seemed like a great excuse to have them. After dinner the girls and I made sugar cookies. They each got to pick out what color sprinkles they wanted. Will gave them a bath while the cookies baked. Page ran out of the tub with her towel on to get hers. Emma ran out of the tub with nothing, not even a towel. They enjoyed National Sugar Cookie Day, and so did I.

By the way, the first picture is of Emma and Page holding their cookies high enough that Liam couldn't grab them. When he realized he couldn't get Emma's cookie he started grabbing her belly button. It escalated until Liam was chasing her around the house trying to get her belly button while she ate her cookie. It was very funny and so sweet to see Liam starting to play with the girls instead of just watching them.

The Past Few Days

I have been so hesitant to write about this, but couldn't let go of the feeling that I needed to. It is hard for me to be so vulnerable because, even though it is a blog, I know most of you personally and that makes it scary. I have been both inspired and encouraged by a few very real, very strong, women that I found through blog hopping; don't laugh! Angie Smith and Adrienne Fleming have been been through so much pain and yet still manage to glorify God through their sorrows and their pain. I strive to be like that. To make something good come from so much pain and hurt and anger. So I too will share my story.

We learned of the loss of our 10th child together on Thursday morning. It is a pain that can break you instantly. It was my 8th pregnancy in less than 6 years and my 5th miscarriage. When I first learned of this pregnancy I got scared at the thought of 4 children under the age of 5, at the thought of weekly ultrasounds and doctor's appointments to check for blood clots. I was scared that I would not be able to be a good mother to so many children to name a few. But despite all of my fears and anxieties, I was thrilled. I was rejoicing over a new life that the Lord had trusted us with, to be a part of a miracle yet again. I was ecstatic to know just how much more love would fill our home with this new arrival. It made my heart leap for joy to hear how excited the girls were to have another baby to love, even though they didn't want any more stinky boys :). We were thinking of names for the baby and talking about what he/she would be like and look like. It was the first pregnancy that I didn't fear another miscarriage. I didn't check for blood every time I went to the bathroom. I didn't fear doctor's appointments and blood work. I figured that since they diagnosed the blood clotting disorder during my pregnancy with Liam and I was taking the prescribed medication, this wouldn't happen again. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me when I saw the baby on the monitor with no heartbeat. My first thought was, "not again Lord, please not again." The technician didn't say a word. I finally said to her that I knew there was no heartbeat and she said that she was looking for one. Finally after a few minutes, although it felt like a hour, she said that she would get Dr. Smith and that we could discuss our options and that she was sorry she had to be the bearer of bad news. As I got dressed all I could think was "I trust in you Lord, I trust in you."

I sat in the office crying so hard that I couldn't even talk to the doctor. I managed to get out that I needed some time to decide what to do and that I would call her on Monday. I walked back through the lobby filled with pregnant bellies staring back at me trying to make it to the door without sobbing, I didn't. When I finally got in touch with Will I just told him that it wasn't good news and that I needed him to get home as soon as he could. The girls knew something was wrong as soon as I opened the door. Page stopped in her tracks and asked why my face was so red. Emma ran to me, gave me a hug and told me she loved me before I could even manage to speak. I told them that our baby was in heaven with the Lord and that I missed our baby so much and that was why I had been crying. Then the girls and I embraced as I tried to answer their questions. It was utterly painful. They asked why our baby was in heaven. They wanted to know why Jesus didn't want the baby to grow in my tummy and to come live with us. They wanted to know why it made me sad if I knew our baby was with Jesus. Would a song make me feel better? Could hugs and kisses help me stop crying? Over and over they asked me questions until I told them that I needed some time alone and that they could have chicken nuggets for lunch. While their embraces and their love make it so much easier to go through something like this, it was more than I could handle at that moment. I couldn't explain one more time that I didn't know why the Lord had chosen to bring the baby to heaven.

I dreaded making the phone calls that I knew were inevitable. I had to tell our parents and friends that another child had died in my womb. To hear things like "there must have been something wrong with the baby, or it is probably for the better" cut like a knife. I want to scream, I want to cry, but all I do is get off the phone as quickly as possible. I try to remember that most people do not know the pain of losing a child, much less 7 children, and that I should not take it personally. I know their heart is in the right place, but it is hard to listen to.

Over the next 3 days I would start crying out of the blue. I would go to my room and cry until I had no more tears or one of the children would burst through the door to see what was wrong. I would turn on worship music only to get so busy with the kids that it was more like background noise. I would start to pray and only get through a few minutes of saying over and over "I trust in You." That was all I could say. I knew that He was aware of how much pain I was in. I knew that He was with me, comforting me and giving me what I needed even though I didn't know myself what I needed. I had no words, just pain. I tried to read my Bible, but couldn't focus long enough to read anything. I tried talking to Will, but he had no clue. He did every single thing he could think of to help me feel better, but it did nothing. I felt so alone and so hurt that it was all I could to breathe.

Then came Sunday. I have not been sleeping well, as you can imagine, so it was especially hard to get going this morning. Will and I help out before the first service checking in new visitors for the children's program. The thought of seeing our friends with such pity in their eyes and having to answer questions about how I was feeling really did not help motivate me to get ready. Once we got there I tried to keep busy so as not to have any time to talk with people and I was fairly successful. The morning went by quickly and before I knew it we were listening to the sermon. It was centered around Psalm 90. This is a prayer of Moses about the Israelites towards the end of the 40 years they spent wandering in the desert. It felt like the Lord was speaking to me as I listened to the sermon. Versus 14-15 really spoke to me.

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that
we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad
for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years
as we have seen trouble."

No matter what I do or say or think during this time, during this trial, it is only the unfailing love of the Father that can bring me not just comfort, but joy! It clearly states that we are afflicted here on earth and yet we can still have the joy of the Lord and a song of gladness on our tongues. It is all a matter of changing our focus from the pain within to the mercy, the love, the satisfaction that comes only from God above. This life is but a breath, and we can choose what we focus on. Will it be ourselves, our circumstances, what others have, what we don't have, or will it be on the most glorious gift ever given to man, Jesus' death and resurrection? For me it is a daily choice. I choose the unfailing love of my heavenly Father. The pain will still come, but it won't overtake me. The sadness will visit, but it won't stay in my heart. I have something much bigger and much greater that gives me eternal life. An eternal life where I believe I will get to see my babies and wrap my arms around them. To worship the Lord with them in heaven. To rejoice for them that they never knew the pain this world brings.

It is the prayers of my family, friends, and even strangers that bring the peace of the Lord and the strength to get through each day. It is the love and the embraces of my three miracle babies that help me deal with the pain. It is a husband that listens to me for 2 hours while I cry my eyes out about feeling like a failure as a woman having yet another baby die within my womb. It is the unfailing love of God that I can hold onto no matter what life brings.

Thank you all for your prayers during this time. I have decided to have another surgery and will find out tomorrow what day that will be. I ask that you all would pray for me as I deal with finding childcare and help for the day of the surgery and then for the days to follow. That Will would be able to take off of work on such short notice. And for me as Will returns to work tomorrow and I will be alone with the children and with the pain.

The primary purpose of this blog has been to share pictures and stories of the kids for family and friends far away. I hope to also share our life, the good and the bad. To share how faithful the Lord is and how great His love is. God is good, even when life is not.

Angel

Yesterday I was talking about baby names with the girls. Page said that she wanted to name the baby Angel. Little did I know that today we would find out that our precious baby is an angel. I had my routine appointment with my OB. She could not find a heartbeat with the Doppler but was not worried. She said that at this stage sometimes she can find it, sometimes she can't. So in for another ultrasound I went. Well, it is with great sadness that I tell you all there was no longer a heartbeat. Our precious baby had stopped growing about 2 weeks ago. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated for our family right now. I am not sure whether we will wait it out or schedule the surgery, but Will and I will decide this weekend.